-Speaking of your family…
-Yes. …one of the things that
we love about following you is how open you and Devale are about literally every part
of y’all’s lives. -Like when y’all are…
-We try to be. -When y’all cool,
when y’all not cool. -Not cool. When y’all good,
when y’all not good. We figure if we’re gonna
tell y’all the story, -we have to tell y’all
the whole truth. -Yes. You know what I mean? We can’t
start picking and choosing. Exactly. And you guys just
launched a podcast. -We did.
-Tell me about the podcast -before we go into the topic
of the day. -No, absolutely. So it’s Dead Ass
with Khadeen and Devale. -I mean, very New York,
very Brooklyn. -So New York. -Dead Ass. -And we fought
for that name because we knew what it meant
for the culture, trying to hold onto a little bit
of Brooklyn, -you know what I mean.
-Yeah. Um, but we pretty much wanted
to be able to give a voice to millennials
through the lens of a millennial married couple
with children. So we discuss everything.
I mean, between marriage, love, finance, kids,
everything under the sun. We didn’t want it to encompass
just relationship issues -or topics.
-Right. Um, so yeah, we’re about
seven episodes in. Airs every Wednesday, make sure
you subscribe where you listen. And all that good stuff for
the podcast. So, so far, -it’s been great. Thank you.
-I’m so happy for you. You guys are doing so well
and-and what I love about y’all is that y’all are,
like, one of the only millennial representations of,
like, a really dope marriage, that’s, like, young
and thriving, but still has kids
and trying to grow up. -Right. -So, does that become
a lot of pressure, like, that people look at y’all
as kind of this, like, relationship goals
millennial couple? Yeah, we kind of like
to shy away from the whole relationship goals,
because we feel like this works for us, you know? And so many times, people have
asked us for advice. Like, we do have
listener letters, people will write in
and we give our advice. But we never want to put
ourselves on a pedestal -as if this is what people
should aspire to be. -Yeah. However, we do feel like it’s
important for us to show you can be an individual,
you can support each other, you can goal-chase,
you can dream-chase, you can have children,
you can be a mom, you can bounce right back.
Like, there’s so many things that I want to show people–
that my husband and I want to show people–
that we can do. -That it is possible.
-Yeah. So, um, is there a pressure
around it? A little bit. -Yeah. -Um, but we don’t get
too involved in that. We feel like we’re also
content creators. Our YouTube channel–
this really started with us trying to, as content creators
and as actors, -put our real out there.
-Right. What better way to do it than
on social media? It’s free, people have access, and now we’ve accessed
so many people and it’s become kind of like this movement
for us, inadvertently, that we didn’t plan for,
but we accept the challenge. Well, let me ask you a question.
Since you’re, like, -our resident relationship
expert on the show. -Yeah. What happened, y’all are not
in relationships? -You know I ain’t in no damn
relationship. -Yeah, yeah. -My mama told me…
-(laughter) You’re the expert, you got,
you know, like… I mean, yes.
I’m 17 years in, so… -That’s what I’m saying.
-17, yes! So, what–
this open marriage thing. -Mm-hmm. -Some people say
it’s a recipe for disaster. Some people say
it’s the only thing that keeps
their relationship healthy. Some people say– you know,
it might not be for you, but do you see it
as a functional way to have a relationship? I feel– this is my take on it. If it works for you
and your spouse or your partner, so be it.
The biggest issue, I think, with a lot of relationships,
is having the outside noise that drowns what it is you two
have decided on. If this is what you decided on
because it works for both of you -and it makes you happy,
why– do it. -Do it. Do it. So I would never
sit here and judge and say– maybe it doesn’t work
for Devale and I to have an open relationship,
but the farthest thing from our minds is to judge
anybody who does decide on it. -Right. -I’ve heard
that it’s an oxymoron. -Why have a marriage if you’re
gonna be open? -Right. And in what terms is it open? Is it just open sexually?
Is it open, you know, in terms of having a whole
entire other relationship? I know there was a show on,
uh, was it TLC? -Yeah. -Sister Wife?
Seeking Sister Wife. -Yeah, yeah. -You know. -There
was a black couple on there. There was a black couple
on there, so apparently now, black people are starting
to be a little bit more open to the idea of it. Um,
and that’s just my take on it. If it works for you–
and this is exactly why I don’t ask
for relationship advice either, from anybody,
because everyone’s jaded. Everyone’s tainted
in their own right, -because of their own
life experiences. -Mm-hmm. So if it doesn’t work for you,
don’t do it. I got friends it works for. I-I think, I think it can work,
depending on the people. Again, it’s situational.
But I think people are so afraid
of communicating, “Hey, this is what I want,”
that they’ll suffer in silence, as opposed to being happy. So you never know, if you
propose it a certain way, or have certain stipulations,
or put it all on the table. ’Cause if this is your partner,
there should be nothing -that you keep from.
-Absolutely. -Especially if you married.
-Yeah. Put it all on the table.
-My husband and I– -Sorry, not to cut you off.
-No, no, no. -We’ve had super difficult
conversations. -Right. I mean, being together
since 18 years old… Yeah, exactly. What’s one of
the most difficult? Uh, sex.
Sex becomes an issue for us. We think about our sex life
from 18-year-olds who are, like, young kids in college and, -“I’m ready to bust wide open.”
-(laughter) And then you want to
throw in bills and work and children and pregnancy
and postpartum and three of them and…
and careers. Like, it becomes a lot. And that’s something that we
both had to talk about openly. Like, I’m not satisfied
in this area, or I need help in this area. I need you to do XYZ
to get me to the point where I want to bust it
wide open again. You know, like,
little things like that have to be on the table,
you have to be transparent about it.
So you’re right. The suffering in silence part– Because what tends to happen is
someone’s gonna go out there and step out, and then
there’s the deceit and the lies and the cheating. And that’s where openness
can help, too. Because then you can say,
“All right, I don’t believe–” This isn’t me speaking,
this is what this -hypothetical person is saying.
-Hypothetical Marc. -We’ll call him Marc.
-Okay, we’ll call him Marc. -It’s just all hypothetical.
-We’ll call him Marc. Yes, exactly.
Marc from Brooklyn says… No. There are a lot of people
who say, you know, monogamy’s not a natural thing. And relationships are good
and they’re functional and healthy–
You want a life partner. But you just might want to
have sex with somebody else. Or you might want a different
kind of connection. So your marriage becomes
the opportunity to have that bond and that
future, but then I might step out in these other ways. I have friends who do that.
They have– They have rules around
their open marriage, they have rules around
their relationship. Like, you don’t fall in love.
You don’t go– You don’t date someone else
full-time, but you can have other kinds of relationships,
other kinds of bonds. You can’t have sex
at certain times. You don’t bring them home. I mean, there are all kinds of
rules they make that make sense for them. And one couple I know been
doing it for 30 years. Another couple I know only been
doing it for two, and they’re still trying to work
out some details on that. You know what I mean?
I don’t think I could deal with that, personally,
but I understand why it works for some people. I mean… I’m too selfish. Like, I just–
There’s no way -She’s not sharing.
-I’m not sharing. I don’t believe in sharing. -But we don’t own people.
-You don’t own people. -Yeah, Donald… Sterling.
-Sterling. Where are we going with this? (all talking at once) But no, you do not own people,
but you do absolutely own who you are and who they are. Who you are, and what
you want to be to them. Like, hopefully, you guys own
how you feel about each other, and the experience that you’d
like to share with each other. And for me, I would be–
And I’m always very open. Like, if I’m gonna get married,
this is going to be a me and you partnership. We’re gonna be life partners,
we’re gonna be us against the world. But at the end of the day,
it is a hard thing to put on anybody
to stay married. It’s tough. Like,
people are going to mess up, people are going to be human. But at the end of the day,
like, open? Nah. You can’t– No.
That’s not for me. I can’t– I can’t do it.
I would just– No. I think a lot of the issue
arises– Sorry. -No, no, please.
-A lot of the issue arises, too, when you take the choice
away from somebody. And that’s one thing that
my husband and I are very adamant about:
give it to me straight. Straight, no chaser.
It may hurt, but at least I can now make a decision,
I can make a choice. Don’t take my choice
away from me to decide whether I want to
continue in this or not. Some people believe that
relationships are seasonal. You know, they don’t believe
in the long haul, you know? You may be here for a season,
for a time, and then we’ve had our ways
and we’ve gone. That’s for somebody who
may not be monogamous, -or believe in monogamy.
-Right. So they may feel like
there’s a turnover. But when my choice is
taken away from me, then I get upset.